tips for surviving the holiday!
November 24th, 2009
Could it be Thanksgiving already?
The answer, believe it or not is “yes, it can.”
Here are some tips for surviving the holiday!
1. If you’re still reading, what the fuck is wrong with you? What “survival” is actually at play here? I mean, what’s supposed to be so stressful about visiting with family and loved ones?
2. What kind of spoiled asshole country is this? We’re getting together with the people we know best, friends and family (for exactly one day!) and while we do it, we’re eating ourselves into a coma with nothing but the most delicious foods, the sweetest desserts, playing games having fun.
3. And what do we do? Complain about what a hassle it is?
4. People in shittier countries will never have a meal so good.
5. But then again, yeah, it kind of sucks.
6. Just ironic that the day for gratitude is met with such a shit attitude, know what I mean?
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KATG poker night
November 2nd, 2009
Arrived around 4:15. Ray Devito wasted no time announcing to everyone that I was there to ruin the fun. I have this reputation as a card nazi. The reason is because I like to play and don’t enjoy looking down at my Jack/Nine off-suit for more than 3 minutes while people like Ray Devito tell a story about some shit that happened at Sacapuntas or get into a side conversation on the way to urinate or get a beer. Why get together to play cards if you don’t want to play the game? I’m all for conversing, all I’m asking is for a little multi-tasking, a little priority for the game.
And here’s the other thing, when people hold up the game, I’m the kind of asshole who will say “You’re holding up the game.” So, right, I’m a fucking nazi. But play cards, asshole.
So, the water was poisoned early for me, thanks Ray.
Players included Keith, Chemda, Ray, myself, Victor Varnado, Myq and Myqa Kaplan-Fox, Mexican Felix and Alabama Angie, Jeremy the stickler and the rest, all together 11 players, two tables for some reason.
Let me tell you something about Myqa Kaplan-Fox, she’s one of those players who wins a hand and then stands on the table and calls everyone bitches. The word “biotch” was used copiously. I support that sort of behavior. It’s an about-face for me. I used to get very annoyed with excessive celebration. I’ve downgraded that reaction to condescending bemusement. I suppose you have to take your celebrating where you can in this life. If pulling a decent-sized pot at a friendly poker game makes you want to whoop and yell like you’re at a pep rally, then enjoy it with all your little heart. God knows, we’ll all be dead soon enough. Well, not soon enough maybe, but still pretty soon. At least she usually knew when it was her turn.
Chemda, although also a very loud player, makes most of her noise when someone raises when she’s got a drawing hand. Chemda has only two kinds of hands: awesome hands and drawing hands. No folding hands. She folded pre-flop maybe 4 times in three hours. How she still had chips after I was busted I’ll never know. Oh, yeah, I lost by pushing my pair of queens at the wrong time. But that can happen to anyone.
Jeremy is one of these loose-raising type guys. To his credit, you can’t really put him on a hand which is a nice way of saying he plays rags routinely. But that’s how it’s done.
I only played a few hands with Keith, so I can’t really say what kind of player he is. I think he’s kind of opportunistic in terms of position, which is a standard good move.
So, forget all that. I know what you really want to hear about is the food. Chemda, god bless that woman, put out some truly amazing quesadillas with all the right shit in them. Then some true fucking award-winning chili and she made these huge pots of mashed potatoes that stick to your ribs when you just look at them wrong. Thick, and seemingly all-real spuds in pots. With herbs. Wow and damn. Thank you for that!
Great fun was had by all, but mostly by whoever won. I was eliminated by Victor when he slow-played his pocket aces and I over-bet my queens. When he moved in, I was pot-committed. Happens. It was right after we’d combined the tables and I hadn’t watched him play. But then, with a snakey-player like I assume Victor is, I probably wouldn’t have put him on that hand anyway.
When you get right down to it, I’m not a very good poker player. My chief skill at cards is probably KNOWING WHEN IT’S MY FUCKING TURN and NOT HOLDING UP THE GAME, RAY!
As always, THANKS to Keith and Chemda for putting opening up their home, putting out delicious food and hosting an awesome card game. They are the F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgeralds of Jamaica.
Tags: Chemda, KATG, Keith and the Girl, Keith Malley, Pat Dixon
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bob dylan show Oct. 31
November 2nd, 2009
Halloween Night, Bob Dylan played the third of three shows at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago.
I bought tickets to this show in September and kept going back and forth on whether I’d go for reasons which don’t bear going into. I did a charity event for cancer children the previous night in St. Louis, a “Night of 1,000 Laughs” themed show with amazing food. I was responsible for laughs 334-666, but my work was easier because Rahn had exceeded his quota by about 150 laughs. Then he got a standing ovation. When someone going before me gets a standing ovation, as far as I’m concerned everyone there can go suck it. What am I going to do after that? Get a jumping up and down ovation?
This Dylan show was my 6th, and definitely the closest I’ve been to the stage. It was general admission and I was standing about 8 rows back, right in the center. Pretty cool.
I always hope for plenty of new stuff when I see Dylan which might put me in the minority. I don’t get too excited about hearing “Blowin’ in the Wind” again, but I definitely want to hear him play stuff off the last four records, which I regard to be among his best work. Here’s what he played:
1. “Gonna Change My Way of Thinking” Truth be told, I’ve got some blind spots in my Dylan fandom. This is off of “Slow Train Coming” which is a Christian era album that I don’t own and haven’t heard very much. I listened to it this morning. I will say this, the way they played it that night, it was a worthy opening tune, and it has a powerful message, or really several powerful messages, you know the man.
2. “Lay Lady Lay” was the second song. The thing I like about this song is how ridiculous he sounds singing it on the “Nashville Skyline” album, which has him changing his vocal style. Plus, there’s some kind of percussion thing happening which makes it sound like there’s a horse riding through the whole thing. And the steel guitar, yeah, country music from the late 60’s early 70’s. It seems like I wasn’t around, but I imagine it all being about working hard and then fucking somebody even though you didn’t change your jeans. And beer was 25¢. And every jukebox was all Merle Haggard and Tammy Wynette and shit. And life was so simple.
Like that movie “Every Which Way But Loose” and the Cohen brothers first movie “Blood Simple” everything looked dusty like that. And like motels were just these dim green rooms for fucking, and country music really was sad. The standard for beauty was a lot lower then, you might definitely fall in love with that snaggle-toothed waitress, hell everyone did. She had an ass on her.
All that is probably a world that never existed, or maybe it did, but I doubt either way I’d fit into it. But it’s the world of this song. Lay lady, on my brass bed. Lay on it, and I’m gonna love you. Jesus, can you imagine that?
3. “Beyond Here Lies Nothing” I really like this song, and I have to admit that missed the accordion player who wasn’t on stage that night. If you haven’t seen the violent slapstick video that goes along with this song, you’re missing out. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4WT5GMNSSc) This is one of the five songs he played off “Together Through Life” which, I’ve changed my mind, is a fucking great record.
4. “To Ramona” a great song, short and sweet and kind of a surprise, I’ve never heard him play it before.
5. “It’s All Good” Someone told me they thought Dylan’s use of the phrase made him sound anachronistic. So I looked that word up before boldly disagreeing. Dylan is of all times, and he’s cooler than you even if you’re a lot younger than him. He’s a touring musician, he keeps up with this shit. He’s not living in a bubble. It’s all good, trust me. Not that “it’s all good” is such a fresh kind of thing to say to begin with.
As his says in the song: Talk about me babe, if you must
Throw on the dust, pile on the dust
I’d do the same thing if I could
Anyway, it was one of the best songs of the show.
6. “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll” enough said.
7. “Cold Irons Bound” New arrangement. The guy standing next to me was telling me about it. I really, really liked the old way he played it and I like this one too but not as much.
8. “This Dream of You” Sweet song off the new record. After this song, Dylan says “I’ve got a special guest here to sing a song for you. Mr. Tom Waits.” I freak out. The guitar player steps up the mic, and for a second it’s like Tom Waits is there. They play a tune fragment off “Bone Machine” and have a good laugh. Happy Halloween. But for a moment, I thought it was happening. Someday I’ll tell the story and it’ll actually be Tom Waits, but for now I got punked. Then they ripped into a killer, killer, killer version of:
9. “Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum” The “Love and Theft” album was my non-stop musical accompaniment to the fall of 2001 and Winter 2002 and Spring 2002. And Summer 2002. People who don’t get this album, well. You’re just not getting it.
10. “Forgetful Heart” Oh, no big deal, just another amazing Dylan song.
11. “Highway 61 Revisited” God said to Abraham ‘Kill me a son.’ Abe said ‘Man, you must be puttin’ me on.’ Those two lines are worth more than the entire Bruce Springsteen catalogue.
12. “Workingman’s Blues” His voice was way off on singing this song, but what’s new, it happens. Still a great moment, as you’ve noticed I’m a pretty forgiving fan.
13. “Thunder on the Mountain” lead off song for the fucking, goddamned incredible “Modern Times” album.
14. “Ballad of Thin Man” Jeez, thanks Bob. Sincerely.
15. “Like a Rolling Stone” Nailed it.
Encore
16. “Jolene” off the new one.
17. “All Along the Watchtower.”
After the show, we went to Old Town and got pizza at Orso’s which I really can’t recommend highly enough. Some of the best pizza I’ve ever had. I don’t understand why there’s a debate New York Pizza or Chicago pizza. As a resident of New York and occasional visitor to Chicago, it’s easy for me to see that Chicago pizza is just undeniably better. There’s more on it, it tastes better, it’s more reasonably priced and it’s served without the fucking attitude. Altogether, a much more rich and satisfying flavor and experience. Not even close.
New York pizza is great, but truth be told, it’s mostly just plentiful. Don’t get me started on the hotdogs.
Halloween Night, Bob Dylan played the third of three shows at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago.
I bought tickets to this show in September and kept going back and forth on whether I’d go for reasons which don’t bear going into. I did a charity event for cancer children the previous night in St. Louis, a “Night of 1,000 Laughs” themed show with amazing food. I was responsible for laughs 334-666, but my work was easier because Rahn had exceeded his quota by about 150 laughs. Then he got a standing ovation. When someone going before me gets a standing ovation, as far as I’m concerned everyone there can go suck it. What am I going to do after that? Get a jumping up and down ovation?
This Dylan show was my 6th, and definitely the closest I’ve been to the stage. It was general admission and I was standing about 8 rows back, right in the center. Pretty cool.
I always hope for plenty of new stuff when I see Dylan which might put me in the minority. I don’t get too excited about hearing “Blowin’ in the Wind” again, but I definitely want to hear him play stuff off the last four records, which I regard to be among his best work. Here’s what he played:
1. “Gonna Change My Way of Thinking” Truth be told, I’ve got some blind spots in my Dylan fandom. This is off of “Slow Train Coming” which is a Christian era album that I don’t own and haven’t heard very much. I listened to it this morning. I will say this, the way they played it that night, it was a worthy opening tune, and it has a powerful message, or really several powerful messages, you know the man.
2. “Lay Lady Lay” was the second song. The thing I like about this song is how ridiculous he sounds singing it on the “Nashville Skyline” album, which has him changing his vocal style. Plus, there’s some kind of percussion thing happening which makes it sound like there’s a horse riding through the whole thing. And the steel guitar, yeah, country music from the late 60’s early 70’s. It seems like I wasn’t around, but I imagine it all being about working hard and then fucking somebody even though you didn’t change your jeans. And beer was 25¢. And every jukebox was all Merle Haggard and Tammy Wynette and shit. And life was so simple.
Like that movie “Every Which Way But Loose” and the Cohen brothers first movie “Blood Simple” everything looked dusty like that. And like motels were just these dim green rooms for fucking, and country music really was sad. The standard for beauty was a lot lower then, you might definitely fall in love with that snaggle-toothed waitress, hell everyone did. She had an ass on her.
All that is probably a world that never existed, or maybe it did, but I doubt either way I’d fit into it. But it’s the world of this song. Lay lady, on my brass bed. Lay on it, and I’m gonna love you. Jesus, can you imagine that?
3. “Beyond Here Lies Nothing” I really like this song, and I have to admit that missed the accordion player who wasn’t on stage that night. If you haven’t seen the violent slapstick video that goes along with this song, you’re missing out. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4WT5GMNSSc) This is one of the five songs he played off “Together Through Life” which, I’ve changed my mind, is a fucking great record.
4. “To Ramona” a great song, short and sweet and kind of a surprise, I’ve never heard him play it before.
5. “It’s All Good” Someone told me they thought Dylan’s use of the phrase made him sound anachronistic. So I looked that word up before boldly disagreeing. Dylan is of all times, and he’s cooler than you even if you’re a lot younger than him. He’s a touring musician, he keeps up with this shit. He’s not living in a bubble. It’s all good, trust me. Not that “it’s all good” is such a fresh kind of thing to say to begin with.
As his says in the song: Talk about me babe, if you must
Throw on the dust, pile on the dust
I’d do the same thing if I could
Anyway, it was one of the best songs of the show.
6. “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll” enough said.
7. “Cold Irons Bound” New arrangement. The guy standing next to me was telling me about it. I really, really liked the old way he played it and I like this one too but not as much.
8. “This Dream of You” Sweet song off the new record. After this song, Dylan says “I’ve got a special guest here to sing a song for you. Mr. Tom Waits.” I freak out. The guitar player steps up the mic, and for a second it’s like Tom Waits is there. They play a tune fragment off “Bone Machine” and have a good laugh. Happy Halloween. But for a moment, I thought it was happening. Someday I’ll tell the story and it’ll actually be Tom Waits, but for now I got punked. Then they ripped into a killer, killer, killer version of:
9. “Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum” The “Love and Theft” album was my non-stop musical accompaniment to the fall of 2001 and Winter 2002 and Spring 2002. And Summer 2002. People who don’t get this album, well. You’re just not getting it.
10. “Forgetful Heart” Oh, no big deal, just another amazing Dylan song.
11. “Highway 61 Revisited” God said to Abraham ‘Kill me a son.’ Abe said ‘Man, you must be puttin’ me on.’ Those two lines are worth more than the entire Bruce Springsteen catalogue.
12. “Workingman’s Blues” His voice was way off on singing this song, but what’s new, it happens. Still a great moment, as you’ve noticed I’m a pretty forgiving fan.
13. “Thunder on the Mountain” lead off song for the fucking, goddamned incredible “Modern Times” album.
14. “Ballad of Thin Man” Jeez, thanks Bob. Sincerely.
15. “Like a Rolling Stone” Nailed it.
Encore
16. “Jolene” off the new one.
17. “All Along the Watchtower.”
After the show, we went to Old Town and got pizza at Orso’s which I really can’t recommend highly enough. Some of the best pizza I’ve ever had. I don’t understand why there’s a debate New York Pizza or Chicago pizza. As a resident of New York and occasional visitor to Chicago, it’s easy for me to see that Chicago pizza is just undeniably better. There’s more on it, it tastes better, it’s more reasonably priced and it’s served without the fucking attitude. Altogether, a much more rich and satisfying flavor and experience. Not even close.
New York pizza is great, but truth be told, it’s mostly just plentiful. Don’t get me started on the hotdogs.
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Shtick or Treat
October 29th, 2009
Last night attendees of the Bowery Poetry Club’s 7 pm show were treated to the second annual “Shtick or Treat” program. The show features New York comedians and “comedians” who dress up and perform as their favorite legendary comedians.
The evening was filled with highlights with some notable low-points. Among the highlights were:
Matt McCarthy as Steven Gold from Punchline. This was the most eclectic choice of the evening, with honorable mention going to Eric I. for his spot on rendition of Mitch Hedberg doing Anthony Jeselnick. McCarthy nailed the meltdown speech complete with overwrought dramatic delivery and Tom Hanks flourishes, and closed the show with a lively response from the audience.
Unknown as Steve Martin. Sorry I’m not down with everyone’s name, but this guy did a spot on Steve Martin complete with white suit, bunny ears and banjo on which he accompanied himself singing that famous song his mother or grandmother taught him. (I refuse to do the slightest research for this report, but you all know the one I’m talking about). This guy was a treat to watch and even led a very game audience through the sing-along portion. He clearly learned this song on banjo specifically for this occasion and has obviously never seen a banjo before last night.
Dan Solomon as Dave Attell. Nailed it.
Nick Turner as Cedrick. Nick Turner fucked everybody up with his dancing. By the time he took off and threw his hat, which sailed into the 15th row, it was clear to all that a star was born.
Dan Wilbur as Bernie Mac. This was maybe the highpoint of the show. Hitting the stage looking whiter than white, Wilbur announced to the audience of about 80 that he wasn’t afraid of us mutherfuckers and punctuated the comedic destruction with bursts of dancing that made us all feel better about ourselves as people.
Tim Warner as Lenny Bruce. Damn difficult to pull off, and a damn good effort. Warner clearly did a lot of homework, and it was fun to watch someone tackle the original hipster.
Roger Hails favored us with an energetic version of redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy which helped keep the waning show alive during the last 15 minutes of the two and half hour show.
Jon Clarke as Dana Gould. Wow, talk about commitment. Great work. I wouldn’t have thought I’d recognize a Dana Gould impression, but here we are.
Dan Cartwright as Patton Oswalt. Well done, but his pillow stomach was probably unnecessary. That was a pillow, right?
Sean Perlman as Orny Adams. Particularly mocking performance, enjoyed by all.
Joan Rivers, Conan O’Brien, Ellen, Doug Benson, Emo Phillips, Andy Kaufman, Mike Birbiglia, Chris Rock and many others were well-represented in the show which was hosted by Matt Ruby as Neil Hamburger and Mark Normand as Johnny Carson.
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Halloween (guest blogger Erin C.)
October 29th, 2009
When we were kids, Halloween meant something!
For most kids, it meant dressing up like their favorite superhero, or space alien, or hobo. And candy! For me, it meant panic attacks, stress-induced bloody noses, and crying jags. And fuckin candy! I was a fat kid, which explains the costume drama AND the love of candy.
Now, the love for candy was directly proportional to my hatred for dressing up. It was full blown bullshit and ugliness- and hot & wet cheeked hyperventilating conniption fits. I didn’t like it, I didn’t get a kick out of it, I barely tolerated it.
Look, my folks weren’t really hands-on parents. Mom didn’t sew us any costumes, and Dad didn’t construct us any props. I had the shitty store-bought plastic character costumes. The kind of plastic that felt specially constructed to worsen ensuing panic attacks by adhering clammily to any exposed skin, while the mask suffocated you from all sides and left you only a coin-slot-sized slit out of which to breath, belaboredly. Agonizing. Humidly.
It still upsets me, slightly, when people ask me- NOW, in my adult life- what I’m going to be for Halloween. What am I going to be? I guess I’ll be untouched. Unfazed. Uneffected. More likely a spoil-sport, a sour-puss, a sad-sack. They don’t make any specific costumes for that. But any costume that is hastily patchworked together using items pulled out of your mother’s clothes hamper and from under the sink will suffice. There’s little in this world that hobbles the creativity more than self-loathing and so it went.
Halloween became fun for me later in life. Stretched out, prone, on the benchseat of a K-car. Smoking pot, talking loud about destoying things, daydreams of bloodlust and serial killers. I was too timid for real destruction, but we joked about it, then watched horror movies and kicked dead leaves into piles while wishing we were trick-or-treating. Oh hell. Halloween has never been fun.
I’m still here, in the interim between being a kid, and having a kid.
I think that’s when Halloween might be fun, when I have kids that I can sew the most grotesque and horrific costumes for, we’ll spend weeks planning them, I’ll buy fabric and glitter and pipe-cleaners. And we’ll make floating ghosts out of cotton balls and kleenex and twine. I’ll bake cookies shaped like jack-o-lanterns with candy corn eyes, and the kids and I will carve pumpkins while drinking hot cider.
Oh Horseshit. I’m not having kids. Because I’d be even more hands-off than MY parents were, and I don’t want to be. I’d rather just… not, you know.
So, enjoy Halloween you well-adjusted little shits. Me and the rest of my ilk are content being ghoulish year-round.
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Biches Be Stoopid DAAMN
October 4th, 2009
This night was really cool.
Great seeing Keith Malley and Chemda out at the big show. Thanks, guys, your support means a lot.
Also KATG posse and fans, THANKS for making it fun.
All the best.
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Biches be Stoopd
September 20th, 2009
If you haven’t heard, my one-man show is on again Oct. 4 at Broadway Comedy Club. Writing continues on it, and I’m hoping it’ll be in great shape by then.
Also, Keith and the Girl fans, you know I’ll be back on the show one more time before that. Since I already did the 100 for 30 thing, I’m wondering what kind of awkward shit they’ll dream up now. Sincerely, it was the easiest $100 I ever made. I’ve done shows for smaller “crowds” who were a lot less “intelligent” and in places that were less “nice.” So “that’s” not so “hard.” Ahh. Quotation marks.
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Thanks KATG listeners
September 17th, 2009
Had a great time doing the podcast.
Thanks for listening and for finding me on facebook and twitter.
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August 11th, 2009
It’s a hot one today in New York.
I’ve been drinking coffee, and now it’s almost like I can feel the caffeine moving in my blood.
I’m looking out the window sometimes here, watching people go by on the sidewalk. People with their shirts off, pushing bikes. White, white ladies with big straw hats and shopping bags.
The feeling in my body is supercharged. It’s caffeine and lust. I have the feeling that I could stand up, bring my fist down on this table and with one slam easily break it in half. I could throw a chair throw the window, and I could eat a salt shaker. I could crash into the mural, leaving a Pat-shaped hole in the wall, sirens screaming repetitiously and heads turning when I beat it.
This feeling, this is Spring, even though we’re in the dog days of Summer. I’m in the mood to learn new facts and spring them on some ignorant fucker. I can go to the museum and put my hands all over the paintings and then rape a statue because I’m so hard and strong.
Here’s the thing, my body odor is wafting up from my under my arms and there’s a slight sweat on my neck and shoulders. I’m covered in my smell, my blood is hot. I want to get the barista in a headlock and empty the cash register with the other hand, then deliver a few hard punches and laugh and laugh.
I don’t know if knowledge is power. I’m going to rip the clothes off a mannequin and fuck it from behind while making my purchases. If anybody says anything, I’m going to make it awkward.
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August 9th, 2009
“Football is a game, the NFL is a business.”
That’s from “Hard Knocks” and it’s a great show. It’s inspiring to see people working hard, striving for excellence.
I can’t believe these commercials with the bears and the toilet paper. This one I saw this morning had the little bear with little pieces of toilet paper on his ass. I never thought it would be like this.
The Cowboys have a lot to live up to, there’s a lot of history in that town. They represent a storied organization, a lot of great players.
And there’s more dirty language on Tv now than I ever thought there would be. Dave Waite told me that there was a song on about a guy jizzing in his pants.
There were cougars on the front row last night. That word “cougars” is about the kindest thing that ever happened to that type of lady. It sounds much better than the words that normally come to mind to describe women like that.
If I was up that early working that hard, what couldn’t I do? I’m only in competition with myself.
I don’t understand how things can blink in and out of existence depending on whether or not I’m watching them.
There was also a blind woman in the second row with her husband. I was touched when I started talking about blind people and he said “hey.” I didn’t say anything wrong, but he was vigilant.
“Head and shoulders knees and toes.”
I guess the nudity years ago on “NYPD Blue” was pretty surprising at the time.
Dave Waite just did his set for “Live at Gotham” and I’m sure it’s going to be killer.
T.O. man, what’s with a guy like that? He is super talented. Then he’s also a showman. Wide receivers are like that more than any other position.
I had this image of Moe hanging out with Larry in the hospital after Larry had his stroke.
If I want to see something provocative, that’s what HBO is for. I can watch movies at the movies and see whatever. I kind of liked the days where tv had to be so clean.
These guys in the NFL are so strong and fast. Beyond belief. It’s the culmination of a life of hard work to get to that level. How can I ever take a nap?
Moe got emotional when he saw the crooked smile on Larry’s face for the first time. Heartbreaking.
I knew Dave was going to be successful, and this is of course only the beginning.
Wade Phillips has that white hair. Like Ted Knight. Ted Knight is the key actor in the movie “Caddyshack” more so that Chevy Chase or Bill Murray.
I started my set during the first show last night really clean and then for the last 15 minutes got kind of dirtier. It seemed to be well-received.
Ted Knight was actually a lot like his character in that movie. To hit it that perfect he had to be.
He probably slapped him a little softer after that, at least while he recovered.
He’s going to be a well-known comedian.
He was essential in Caddyshack.
He got his crooked smile slapped, gently now.
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