KATG Chili Cook-off
The KATG Chili Cook-off was held last night on a roof in Brooklyn.
Some of you may know I entered the KATG Burger Cook-off a couple of weeks ago, and maybe you also know that my burger was generally well-received. In terms of scoring, my burger placed second to a burger that was disguised as a sausage and egg sandwich.
So when I heard about chili day I was pretty excited and planned on entering, but I ended up spending most of my day in Jersey, soothing a friend who has a rogue mouse in her apartment. I say “rogue” because he’s not playing by the rules. When you put out a trap, they’re supposed to turn up dead within a couple of days. Not this mouse.
Anyway, I made it on time but without chili. On the way over to Bray’s apartment I picked up two bags of Utz chips, two bags of doughnuts (one powdered, one chocolate), a box of sundae cones, two Jarrito’s sodas, two glass bottles of Coke and one tall can of Arizona Watermelon Juice Drink. It felt like a ghetto kind of day. Patrice noted the watermelon drink and claimed she’d never tasted Kool-Aid, fried chicken or watermelon before the age of 26. Her parents had forbidden the consumption of these things because they wanted to avoid stereotypes or something. That seems like a lot to give up!
When chili judge Ray Devito did not arrive, I was delighted to be asked to step in. I’m an excellent judge of chili. I’m an excellent judge of everything, actually. Particularly comedy. I can spot bad comedy from a hundred million miles away. I look in any direction, and I know bad comedy is happening there, somewhere. Sure, in comedy clubs and on Tv. But my whole life, people have been making bad jokes in conversation, at parties, etc. This world is ruled by violence. And it’s filled with awful comedy. Pathetic attempts to say something funny. Jokes that miss the mark. You’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking DIRECTLY TO YOU.
The view on the roof reminded us all that we’re ungrateful, etc.
There were five entries. First was our host, Mathew Bray. I’ll tell you, this chili was something else. It had no beans. It had steak in it, big chunks of meat. It did look like dog food. But when I eat chili, I sort of like being reduced to some kind of four-legged, canine dream state in which I can roll around on the floor scratching myself and licking my balls and, of course, eating delicious meat and sauce.
The second entry was Lauren’s. Lauren is physically strong and her chili was, like her, strong. This chili was all about bold choices. It had coconut in it and lots of cinnamon. Meat, beans, you get the idea, but some strong flava. If this chili was a person, it would be wearing a tank-top with a middle finger on it with the words “Sit & Spin” in bold lettering.
The third chili was intern Mike. He’s known for being weird about these things, like making too big a deal out of it or something. This chili reflected that tendency. He chopped up five different peppers. He used the word “julienne.” This chili tasted immature, like it was a 20-year-old who just started smoking. Impudent, but difficult not to like. I enjoyed it. It was like eating a bowl of salsa, but browner, warmer and meatier.
Number four chili was Chemda chili. And from the start, we all knew it was Chemdatime. We were treated to a song and dance and then this chili with a most interesting appearance. It had corn. Which gave it color. And again the chili was consistent with the personality. It had an exotic look, but on tasting was most pleasant and tame. And when you added the condiments, cheese, onions, sour cream, it was clear that this chili interacted best with others. A good chili to eat two or three bowls of.
Number five. I didn’t know this asshole vegetarian who showed up with this asshole vegetarian chili. The other judges, Adam and Keith, enjoyed this bowl of slop that this organic gardener was passing off as chili. The kept using the word “fresh.” I’m not a fan of freshness and I made that abundantly clear. It had avocado. So put the word “California” in the title and I’ll know to avoid it. This is the kind of guy who comes off all peaceful with his pussy meatless chili, then after a few drinks was giving the bird to each of the other contestants, then in general to the whole party. He dumped a load of sour cream on top of his chili (that’s right, he dumped a load of it on the chili) then stuck a few sprigs of fresh cilantro in it for garnish. How is a man like that even allowed to interact with polite society. This guy can take his chili and go fuck himself. Lowest score of the day. Jeremy burned his chili and couldn’t enter. I still rate his chili higher than Veggie Boy.
Oh, did I mention he had a little beard and little round glasses? I mean, doesn’t that just finish off the whole “fuck him” kind of feeling you were already having?
Winner? Lauren. We put our heads together and she was the best choice.
All the chili’s were excellent (except, you know) and I was very happy to enjoy a slice of Mike’s homemade apple pie. Maybe the best I’ve ever had.
The sun went down and when I left to do comedy, the fun was just starting.
Thanks to Keith, Chemda, Matt Bray, the contestants and all involved who made the event so fun and delicious.
Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)
